The Uglier Side of Basketball
Basketball is a great game, I'd go as far as to call it a beautiful game. It requires team work, execution, knowledge of the game, athleticism, and work ethic. When you see all of these things implemented on the court, the game is, well, beautiful.
In case you are not sure how baskeball can be beautiful, I suggest you do the following: Watch the Phoenix Suns execute a fast break, see the Detroit Pistons play team basketball, witness Shane Battier play the game the way your dad remembers it being played, watch Tim Duncan display the fundamentals of the game, see Lebron James breakdown defenses and rise up and drain the jumper, or admire Chris Andersen fly through the air for one of his thunderous slams. (Only kidding about that last one)
However, this isn't an article about the beauty of basketball, today we are going to explore the uglier side of basketball, no not steroids or scandal in the league, this is about basketball not baseball. Today we will dive into the true hideousness of the NBA, the Popeye Joneses of the league if you will, that's right this is Jason Smith's list of the "Top 5 Ugliest players in the NBA."
I'll start out my list with #5, and that honor goes to...
Iakovos Tsakalidis, or Big Jake if you will. Jake is one of the more truly ugly people in the world, and until recently fans dreaded seeing him on the court, not just because of his rank on my list, but because of a lumbering, uncoordinated, painful-to-watch style of play he exhibited. However, in the second half of last season Jake was a force inside for the Grizzlies and helped them secure the 5th seed in the Western Conference.
But on with the ugly, Jake made this list for many reasons, obvious reasons really. For one, he is just a truly hideous looking person and develops a striking resemblance to a retarded Frankenstein, maybe that's just me. Believe it or not this picture actually doesn't Jake justice, when he played in Phoenix his player picture had him with longer hair and his ghetto lips looked like they had several layers of lipstick on them, it was truly a hideous sight. Well, that is Big Jake coming in at number five on my list.
#4
Chris Kaman comes in at number four. Kaman is a talented, young, energetic center for the Los Angeles Clippers with severe ADHD. I'm not sure why commentators have to mention his ADHD every single time the Clippers are playing on national TV. It reminds of when I was watching a game once and Bill Walton said 22 times, yes I counted, that Eugene Edgerson was 6'6 and played like he was 6'9. Anyways, I digress.
Chris Kaman is the epitome of white trash in the NBA. When he entered the league he really wasn't that hard on the eyes, he was relatively clean cut and tat free. However, his hair soon resembled a mop head and he donned not just a trash-stache, but a beard to be feared. Let's just say he'd fit in nicely with your typical NASCAR crowd down at Talladega wearing a number 3 hat and having a Bud in the other. In fact, I'd be willing to bet Kaman is an avid NASCAR fan. It's not just his white trash nature that landed him on this list, but also the facial expression in this picture. I'm not sure anyone knows what King Kong looks like during his daily bowel movement, but this is probably the closest real life impression of that, thank you Mr. Kaman.
On that note, on to #3.
Calvin Booth comes in strong at #3. Booth is a pretty worthless player, so I'm not going to talk about his on court abilities, instead we'll focus on why he is #3. The first thing I notice is his monstrous nose. The thing is just huge, I'm really refraining from making comments that would get me and this website into some trouble so I'll quit talking about the nose. The ears are the next feature that jump out at me, they just stick so far out from his head, I'd liken them to elf ears or Shrek. The teeth speak for themselves. Finally, his head in general. His head just seems severely...mis-shapen. The top of his head almost comes to a point, it's like a triangle, and to me that is just unnerving. Finally, his teeth. When I first saw the teeth, I thought he had braces on, but after a closer examination you can tell he just has "dice" teeth.
As I was writing this I was having trouble finding a person or creature to compare Booth too, but then it hit me. Calvin Booth is the black John Kerry!
Don't tell me you don't see it.
Well, now it's time for the final two spots, most NBA fans think it was an easy choice but this is a topic, but I've struggled with this question for awhile. Who is the ugliest man in the NBA? Well unfortunately for our next player, it's not him.
#2
Coming in strong at #2 is the Asian Sensation, Ha Seung-Jin, or Ha. Ha has been vicitmized by the Portland Jail, I mean Trail Blazers, he is a great player who can rebound and block shots, sort of. If Calvin Booth can stay in this league for as long as he has, Ha better have a long NBA career, because that would be a cruel injustice to the league, the fans, and Ha if it doesn't happen. By the way, check out www.maxpages.com/freeha (shameless plug).
Anyways, on with the article. If I had to compare Ha in this picture to anyone it would be to the Asian version of Keanu Reeves, Bill and Ted Keanu Reeves, not Matrix Keanu. He has the 80s rocker hair going on, along with the dumbfounded expression Keanu mastered in his preformance as Theodore Logan. Then there is the bucktooth look Ha is sporting. Honestly, these are NBA players who make more in a year than I will in a lifetime, can they not afford Invisalign or something?
I have to talk about the arm thing Ha has going on in the picture. It looks like he is trying to swim underwater, while standing upright, it's just an interesting pose. I hope he had not just passed the ball, because that may be the worst looking passing motion in NBA history. That stance just doesn't look natural.
On a sidenote, what should Ha's nickname be in the years to come? I took a page out of Chris Berman's book and think I have discovered our answer. As you all know Berman likes to play off people's names and give them nicknames that relate to historic events, movie stars, singers, songs, TV shows, etc. For example, Albert "Winnie the" Pujols, Tom "Here's the story of a man named" Brady, Sammy "Say it ain't" Sosa, and Miguel "Tejada they come, Tejada they fall." Now that you get the idea, here is my suggestion for Ha's new nickname: Ha "Very funny Doctah Jones" Seung-Jin. If you don't get that refrence, don't worry about it.
Well, now is the moment you've all been waiting for, who is the NBA's ugliest player?
Yes, that's right, you all knew he'd be on here somewhere. Sam "I Am" Cassell completes our list and takes home the distinguished honor of being the NBA's ugliest player, according to me. He just looks not of this world, it's a mixture of E.T., a Teradactel, and Gollum. You have to feel sorry for his parents, there probably weren't many pictures of him hanging up on the living room wall to show friends and family, I mean would you hang a picture of this thing in your house, I know I wouldn't. Another thing I love about this picture if Delonte West's expression. Delonte looks absolutely terrified of Cassell, but in all fairness, wouldn't you be too?'
Well, that wraps up Jason Smith's list of the Top 5 Ugliest NBA players. If you have any complaints, comments, or requests for me to add honorable mentions to the list let me know. And if you felt better about yourself after reading this article, don't, because they make plent more money than you ever will, and get twice the amount of girls you can in two lifetimes. Smith out.
In case you are not sure how baskeball can be beautiful, I suggest you do the following: Watch the Phoenix Suns execute a fast break, see the Detroit Pistons play team basketball, witness Shane Battier play the game the way your dad remembers it being played, watch Tim Duncan display the fundamentals of the game, see Lebron James breakdown defenses and rise up and drain the jumper, or admire Chris Andersen fly through the air for one of his thunderous slams. (Only kidding about that last one)
However, this isn't an article about the beauty of basketball, today we are going to explore the uglier side of basketball, no not steroids or scandal in the league, this is about basketball not baseball. Today we will dive into the true hideousness of the NBA, the Popeye Joneses of the league if you will, that's right this is Jason Smith's list of the "Top 5 Ugliest players in the NBA."
I'll start out my list with #5, and that honor goes to...
Iakovos Tsakalidis, or Big Jake if you will. Jake is one of the more truly ugly people in the world, and until recently fans dreaded seeing him on the court, not just because of his rank on my list, but because of a lumbering, uncoordinated, painful-to-watch style of play he exhibited. However, in the second half of last season Jake was a force inside for the Grizzlies and helped them secure the 5th seed in the Western Conference.
But on with the ugly, Jake made this list for many reasons, obvious reasons really. For one, he is just a truly hideous looking person and develops a striking resemblance to a retarded Frankenstein, maybe that's just me. Believe it or not this picture actually doesn't Jake justice, when he played in Phoenix his player picture had him with longer hair and his ghetto lips looked like they had several layers of lipstick on them, it was truly a hideous sight. Well, that is Big Jake coming in at number five on my list.
#4
Chris Kaman comes in at number four. Kaman is a talented, young, energetic center for the Los Angeles Clippers with severe ADHD. I'm not sure why commentators have to mention his ADHD every single time the Clippers are playing on national TV. It reminds of when I was watching a game once and Bill Walton said 22 times, yes I counted, that Eugene Edgerson was 6'6 and played like he was 6'9. Anyways, I digress.
Chris Kaman is the epitome of white trash in the NBA. When he entered the league he really wasn't that hard on the eyes, he was relatively clean cut and tat free. However, his hair soon resembled a mop head and he donned not just a trash-stache, but a beard to be feared. Let's just say he'd fit in nicely with your typical NASCAR crowd down at Talladega wearing a number 3 hat and having a Bud in the other. In fact, I'd be willing to bet Kaman is an avid NASCAR fan. It's not just his white trash nature that landed him on this list, but also the facial expression in this picture. I'm not sure anyone knows what King Kong looks like during his daily bowel movement, but this is probably the closest real life impression of that, thank you Mr. Kaman.
On that note, on to #3.
Calvin Booth comes in strong at #3. Booth is a pretty worthless player, so I'm not going to talk about his on court abilities, instead we'll focus on why he is #3. The first thing I notice is his monstrous nose. The thing is just huge, I'm really refraining from making comments that would get me and this website into some trouble so I'll quit talking about the nose. The ears are the next feature that jump out at me, they just stick so far out from his head, I'd liken them to elf ears or Shrek. The teeth speak for themselves. Finally, his head in general. His head just seems severely...mis-shapen. The top of his head almost comes to a point, it's like a triangle, and to me that is just unnerving. Finally, his teeth. When I first saw the teeth, I thought he had braces on, but after a closer examination you can tell he just has "dice" teeth.
As I was writing this I was having trouble finding a person or creature to compare Booth too, but then it hit me. Calvin Booth is the black John Kerry!
Don't tell me you don't see it.
Well, now it's time for the final two spots, most NBA fans think it was an easy choice but this is a topic, but I've struggled with this question for awhile. Who is the ugliest man in the NBA? Well unfortunately for our next player, it's not him.
#2
Coming in strong at #2 is the Asian Sensation, Ha Seung-Jin, or Ha. Ha has been vicitmized by the Portland Jail, I mean Trail Blazers, he is a great player who can rebound and block shots, sort of. If Calvin Booth can stay in this league for as long as he has, Ha better have a long NBA career, because that would be a cruel injustice to the league, the fans, and Ha if it doesn't happen. By the way, check out www.maxpages.com/freeha (shameless plug).
Anyways, on with the article. If I had to compare Ha in this picture to anyone it would be to the Asian version of Keanu Reeves, Bill and Ted Keanu Reeves, not Matrix Keanu. He has the 80s rocker hair going on, along with the dumbfounded expression Keanu mastered in his preformance as Theodore Logan. Then there is the bucktooth look Ha is sporting. Honestly, these are NBA players who make more in a year than I will in a lifetime, can they not afford Invisalign or something?
I have to talk about the arm thing Ha has going on in the picture. It looks like he is trying to swim underwater, while standing upright, it's just an interesting pose. I hope he had not just passed the ball, because that may be the worst looking passing motion in NBA history. That stance just doesn't look natural.
On a sidenote, what should Ha's nickname be in the years to come? I took a page out of Chris Berman's book and think I have discovered our answer. As you all know Berman likes to play off people's names and give them nicknames that relate to historic events, movie stars, singers, songs, TV shows, etc. For example, Albert "Winnie the" Pujols, Tom "Here's the story of a man named" Brady, Sammy "Say it ain't" Sosa, and Miguel "Tejada they come, Tejada they fall." Now that you get the idea, here is my suggestion for Ha's new nickname: Ha "Very funny Doctah Jones" Seung-Jin. If you don't get that refrence, don't worry about it.
Well, now is the moment you've all been waiting for, who is the NBA's ugliest player?
Yes, that's right, you all knew he'd be on here somewhere. Sam "I Am" Cassell completes our list and takes home the distinguished honor of being the NBA's ugliest player, according to me. He just looks not of this world, it's a mixture of E.T., a Teradactel, and Gollum. You have to feel sorry for his parents, there probably weren't many pictures of him hanging up on the living room wall to show friends and family, I mean would you hang a picture of this thing in your house, I know I wouldn't. Another thing I love about this picture if Delonte West's expression. Delonte looks absolutely terrified of Cassell, but in all fairness, wouldn't you be too?'
Well, that wraps up Jason Smith's list of the Top 5 Ugliest NBA players. If you have any complaints, comments, or requests for me to add honorable mentions to the list let me know. And if you felt better about yourself after reading this article, don't, because they make plent more money than you ever will, and get twice the amount of girls you can in two lifetimes. Smith out.
posted by Jason Smith at 10:37 PM
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