Friday, July 14, 2006

The Uglier Side of Basketball

Basketball is a great game, I'd go as far as to call it a beautiful game. It requires team work, execution, knowledge of the game, athleticism, and work ethic. When you see all of these things implemented on the court, the game is, well, beautiful.

In case you are not sure how baskeball can be beautiful, I suggest you do the following: Watch the Phoenix Suns execute a fast break, see the Detroit Pistons play team basketball, witness Shane Battier play the game the way your dad remembers it being played, watch Tim Duncan display the fundamentals of the game, see Lebron James breakdown defenses and rise up and drain the jumper, or admire Chris Andersen fly through the air for one of his thunderous slams. (Only kidding about that last one)

However, this isn't an article about the beauty of basketball, today we are going to explore the uglier side of basketball, no not steroids or scandal in the league, this is about basketball not baseball. Today we will dive into the true hideousness of the NBA, the Popeye Joneses of the league if you will, that's right this is Jason Smith's list of the "Top 5 Ugliest players in the NBA."

I'll start out my list with #5, and that honor goes to...

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Iakovos Tsakalidis, or Big Jake if you will. Jake is one of the more truly ugly people in the world, and until recently fans dreaded seeing him on the court, not just because of his rank on my list, but because of a lumbering, uncoordinated, painful-to-watch style of play he exhibited. However, in the second half of last season Jake was a force inside for the Grizzlies and helped them secure the 5th seed in the Western Conference.

But on with the ugly, Jake made this list for many reasons, obvious reasons really. For one, he is just a truly hideous looking person and develops a striking resemblance to a retarded Frankenstein, maybe that's just me. Believe it or not this picture actually doesn't Jake justice, when he played in Phoenix his player picture had him with longer hair and his ghetto lips looked like they had several layers of lipstick on them, it was truly a hideous sight. Well, that is Big Jake coming in at number five on my list.

#4

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Chris Kaman comes in at number four. Kaman is a talented, young, energetic center for the Los Angeles Clippers with severe ADHD. I'm not sure why commentators have to mention his ADHD every single time the Clippers are playing on national TV. It reminds of when I was watching a game once and Bill Walton said 22 times, yes I counted, that Eugene Edgerson was 6'6 and played like he was 6'9. Anyways, I digress.

Chris Kaman is the epitome of white trash in the NBA. When he entered the league he really wasn't that hard on the eyes, he was relatively clean cut and tat free. However, his hair soon resembled a mop head and he donned not just a trash-stache, but a beard to be feared. Let's just say he'd fit in nicely with your typical NASCAR crowd down at Talladega wearing a number 3 hat and having a Bud in the other. In fact, I'd be willing to bet Kaman is an avid NASCAR fan. It's not just his white trash nature that landed him on this list, but also the facial expression in this picture. I'm not sure anyone knows what King Kong looks like during his daily bowel movement, but this is probably the closest real life impression of that, thank you Mr. Kaman.

On that note, on to #3.

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Calvin Booth comes in strong at #3. Booth is a pretty worthless player, so I'm not going to talk about his on court abilities, instead we'll focus on why he is #3. The first thing I notice is his monstrous nose. The thing is just huge, I'm really refraining from making comments that would get me and this website into some trouble so I'll quit talking about the nose. The ears are the next feature that jump out at me, they just stick so far out from his head, I'd liken them to elf ears or Shrek. The teeth speak for themselves. Finally, his head in general. His head just seems severely...mis-shapen. The top of his head almost comes to a point, it's like a triangle, and to me that is just unnerving. Finally, his teeth. When I first saw the teeth, I thought he had braces on, but after a closer examination you can tell he just has "dice" teeth.

As I was writing this I was having trouble finding a person or creature to compare Booth too, but then it hit me. Calvin Booth is the black John Kerry!

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Don't tell me you don't see it.

Well, now it's time for the final two spots, most NBA fans think it was an easy choice but this is a topic, but I've struggled with this question for awhile. Who is the ugliest man in the NBA? Well unfortunately for our next player, it's not him.

#2
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Coming in strong at #2 is the Asian Sensation, Ha Seung-Jin, or Ha. Ha has been vicitmized by the Portland Jail, I mean Trail Blazers, he is a great player who can rebound and block shots, sort of. If Calvin Booth can stay in this league for as long as he has, Ha better have a long NBA career, because that would be a cruel injustice to the league, the fans, and Ha if it doesn't happen. By the way, check out www.maxpages.com/freeha (shameless plug).

Anyways, on with the article. If I had to compare Ha in this picture to anyone it would be to the Asian version of Keanu Reeves, Bill and Ted Keanu Reeves, not Matrix Keanu. He has the 80s rocker hair going on, along with the dumbfounded expression Keanu mastered in his preformance as Theodore Logan. Then there is the bucktooth look Ha is sporting. Honestly, these are NBA players who make more in a year than I will in a lifetime, can they not afford Invisalign or something?
I have to talk about the arm thing Ha has going on in the picture. It looks like he is trying to swim underwater, while standing upright, it's just an interesting pose. I hope he had not just passed the ball, because that may be the worst looking passing motion in NBA history. That stance just doesn't look natural.

On a sidenote, what should Ha's nickname be in the years to come? I took a page out of Chris Berman's book and think I have discovered our answer. As you all know Berman likes to play off people's names and give them nicknames that relate to historic events, movie stars, singers, songs, TV shows, etc. For example, Albert "Winnie the" Pujols, Tom "Here's the story of a man named" Brady, Sammy "Say it ain't" Sosa, and Miguel "Tejada they come, Tejada they fall." Now that you get the idea, here is my suggestion for Ha's new nickname: Ha "Very funny Doctah Jones" Seung-Jin. If you don't get that refrence, don't worry about it.

Well, now is the moment you've all been waiting for, who is the NBA's ugliest player?

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Yes, that's right, you all knew he'd be on here somewhere. Sam "I Am" Cassell completes our list and takes home the distinguished honor of being the NBA's ugliest player, according to me. He just looks not of this world, it's a mixture of E.T., a Teradactel, and Gollum. You have to feel sorry for his parents, there probably weren't many pictures of him hanging up on the living room wall to show friends and family, I mean would you hang a picture of this thing in your house, I know I wouldn't. Another thing I love about this picture if Delonte West's expression. Delonte looks absolutely terrified of Cassell, but in all fairness, wouldn't you be too?'

Well, that wraps up Jason Smith's list of the Top 5 Ugliest NBA players. If you have any complaints, comments, or requests for me to add honorable mentions to the list let me know. And if you felt better about yourself after reading this article, don't, because they make plent more money than you ever will, and get twice the amount of girls you can in two lifetimes. Smith out.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Hypocrisy

I am guilty, 100 percent guilty. Of what you might ask? I'm guilty of hypocrisy. For years I have done nothing but bash the sport of soccer, i called it boring, easy, slow, and always had the mindset that it was a sport for Europeans and fags.

I used to run a website called tradepaugasol.com (may it rest in peace) and would get into arguments with the Spanish posters on the message boards over soccer. They would talk about the skill level needed to play soccer, scoff at the American players, and glorify the European players. To be honest, the only reason I cared about this particular thread was because I didn't want a bunch of Spaniards thinking they were owning a bunch of Americans on a message board. I tore soccer to threads, didn't have one positive thing to say about it. I explained how it was just too boring to compete with football, baseball, basketball, and even went as far to say that I'd rather watch NASCAR than a soccer game.

I kept these sentiments until June of 2006. What changed my mind? I actually watched a World Cup match. It was Croatia vs Brazil, and I happened to be in Croatia during the match. The city was just electric, imagine being in Cameron Indoor, but with more intensity. These people worship soccer, it can't be justifiably compared to any American fan base in sports. But the atmosphere wasn't the only reason I enjoyed the game, for the first time in my life I realized that soccer was, i can't believe I'm saying this, fun to watch. I immiediately became a World Cup addict, I watched just about every game for the rest of the World Cup. I picked my teams, either America or Croatia, however, neither was able to make it out of group play despite fantastic efforts against big opponents. These efforts ended up being misleading because both teams played abysmal in their final matches of group play.

I'm going to back up and explain the game that got me really into the World Cup. It was the United States vs. Italy. It started out bad early, Italy got an early goal and seemed to be on their way to an easy victory, however, lady luck was generous to the U.S. and italy had an own goal on a moronic play. The U.S. seemed to have the advantage now, but Pablo Mastroeni and Eddie Pope recieved Red Cards which gave Italy an 11-9 advantage. About midway through the 2nd half, the U.S. had a break away (remember it was 11-9) and scored on a Brian Mcbride goal. I lost it, I was up screaming and high fiving the people around me, but when I looked at the TV for the replay I was informed the goal did not count. DeMarcus Beasley was called for offsides, a close call but the correct one, which made Mcbride's goal void. It demoralized me, I had gone from ecstatic to extremely pissed off in a matter of seconds. I never thought soccer would do that to me, I don't think I've had that kind of reaction in any other sporting event besides Grizzlies basketball or Ole Miss football. Anyways, the U.S. managed to hang on and tie the eventual World Cup winners with 2 less men, it was a great match and the match that got me addicted to soccer.

Ok, since my two teams were eliminated I chose Argentina as my new team in the World Cup because I really liked the play of Hernan Crespo. I don't know why, but I liked watching him play. Argentina was able to make it the Quaterrfinals before being eliminated by Germany in PKs thanks to a great game by German goalie, Lehman.

The semi-finals came and went, and I was left with a terrible predicament. Did I root for the Italians who I had recently had many bad encounters with in Italy? Or do the unthinkable and cheer for the Frogs (France)? To this day I don't know why I chose to, but I decided to root for Le France. It was a great, high intensity World Cup Finals. France got the early lead off a Zidane PK. Has there ever been a team get more crucial PK opportunities than France did this year? However, Italy later tied it and the score remained that way until the end of 90 minutes and stoppage time. The game went into OT and neither team had scored with about 10 minutes left to play in the match. Around this time, something amazng happened. In case just don't watch TV and haven't heard/seen this yet, French all-star Zenedine Zidane (My favorite player on the team) turned around and head-butted Italian player, Marco Materazzi.

I'm going to talk about the head-butt for a second here. Not only was it one of the most amazing events in sports fights history, it was one of the funniest things I've witnessed in a sporting event. Zidane just turns around and head-butts the guy. Unfortunately, we will never know how hard he actually hit Materazzi thanks to his Oscar worthy performance after the hit. That's one thing I absolutely love about soccer, the players roll around on the field, call for the stretcher, begin to get carried off the field and then hop off the stretcher like nothing is wrong and run back on the field. To me, it is just funny to watch. Anyways, after the hit/acting job Zidane recieved a red-card and was ejected from the match. This would be like Jerome Bettis knocking out Shaun Alexander in this past Super Bowl. There's just no idea what was going through Zidane's head.

Alright, so France is out its two best players now heading into PKs, Henry was inexplicably taken out during OT by the French coach, leave it to the French to f@#$ things up for themselves. To make a long story short, Italy won 5-3 in PKs. If Zidane and Henry were still in everyone would have been bumped down two spots in the PKs, which probably would have caused a much different outcome in the PKs, however, thanks for the dumbassery of Zidane and the French coach, this was not the case.

So, why else did I become a fan of this sport? I think one reason is because of the element of surprise that exists in the game. You can never tell what will happen next, whether it be a Zidane headbutt, a beautiful trick pass by Christiana Ronaldo, an amazing set from Beckham to Rooney, or Ronaldo doing what Ronaldo does for Brazil. There's enough entertainment that you will keep watching, and there's just enough not there so you can multi-task while watching a match.

This past week has even changed my favorite sports to watch list. Soccer has moved into third, yes third on that list. It looks something like this now:
College Football
Pro/College Basketball
Soccer
Baseball College/Pro
Pro Football
Golf

And to think two months ago I was making fun of soccer fans, now I am becoming one myself. I am glad the World Cup taught me the error of my ways and i will be looking forward to the next one in South Africa, until then I need to find myself a Premiere Club to follow, the MLS just doesn't cut it.